Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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