Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
