Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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