I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
