I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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