Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
