god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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