At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
