Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
