I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
