I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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