when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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