You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
