My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
