I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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