nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
