I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
