i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
