My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
