I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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