He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
