That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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