Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
