I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
