we made out on top of his cat.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
