He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
