Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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