So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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