Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
pop tarts are not kleenex
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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