running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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