I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
