The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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