im about as happy as oj after his trial
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize