my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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