i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
