how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
