You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
