Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
