she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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