i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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