you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
