nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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