Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
