i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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