I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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