i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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