I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize