He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize