There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Welp...herpes.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
