In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
