omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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