o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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