i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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