nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
