I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
