Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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