she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
